Letter to “Real World” welcomers

Dear “practical grownups,”

I want to start by saying, “Thank you.” I am so grateful to you, who have told me that I should give up my life’s ambition of being an actor, as it will only lead misery and failure. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear your vision for my future, and your take on what the world is “really” like. Especially since I’d never heard about the difficulty of the real world before you. You have truly opened my eyes.

Before you told me that being an actor was tough, I was living with delusions of grandeur. I was certain I would be employed right away, most likely on Broadway, having been discovered directly out of college. I was certain that I would soon be living in a loft in Tribeca, hiding from the press, who were stalking my every move. Your wisdom has changed all that.

I now understand that I will never be employed as an actor, so I have given up my dreams. I have decided to move back home, in preparation for my exciting new career. Why waste time on my limited talent as an actor, when I can be so much happier as cog in a machine, defending corporations, and making hundreds of thousands of dollars? Boy did I have my dreams backwards.

Because of your brilliant advice, you are now looking at the latest intern at a law firm! I spend my days making copies, reading depositions, and fetching coffee. It’s deeply satisfying. Just like you told me it would be. The best part is the starting salary. I’m making more money as an entry level employee than I ever would have as an actor. Since money was the main reason I wanted to follow my passion I now understand the error of my ways.

I’m also told that in the next few years, I can look forward to losing my soul as I climb up the ladder of success, with the ultimate goal of making partner. Then my every wish will be fulfilled. I’ll be one of the lead cogs in the machine of representing corporate America. Which has always been my goal. You nailed me, and my personality. I am beyond grateful.

The proud occupant of cubicle #345



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