Dear Vocal Chords,
Please suppress the urge to be rude to the loud man who is speaking on skype to one of his ‘bro’ friends in one of the bro-iest manners known to man. Do not open your mouth and wish him to kindly shrivel up and disappear. That’s mean. That won’t get you anywhere.
Eyes, refrain from glaring at him, despite the fact that he is sitting right next to you in your favorite coffee shop complaining about the prices of the food, saying, “That’s New York for you.” He won’t understand. For the likes of him don’t understand that you don’t speak loudly in an otherwise quiet cafe. That you especially don’t complain about that cafe, in that cafe. Remember that he too is a person, who does not deserve a verbal lashing. No matter how many brain cells he is missing. Do not lash out at this poor, uninformed man.
Mouth, do not recommend that he move to the other side of the cafe, where there are outlets for his quickly depleting laptop battery. This is inconsiderate of the other writers on that side of the cafe. What did they do to deserve this cretin sitting in their midst? That’s right. Nothing.
Do not engage with this man. Pull out your pen and write. Ignore the fact that this is the sixth time he has looked over at you. Do not glare back. Do not acknowledge his existence and perpetuate this behavior. Keep to yourself. Hold it together. Say nothing.
Oh look! He discovered the outlets on the other side of the room on his own. You didn’t have to say anything. There he goes. Of his own accord. You are relinquished of guilt. You didn’t tell him to move. And now you can turn your music down so as not to blow out your eardrums.
Pat yourself on the back. You did not engage. You won this battle. Remember this in the future. This invaluable lesson in patience. Silence is golden. Sometimes,